Demons
by victoriaely
Summary: Alternate ending to Epiphany. Carson and Rodney accidentally shoot John.
1. Chapter 1

Many thanks to lorellipsis for betaing and to drdredd for the help and for letting me use Schwartz.

The monster knocked Teyla off her feet. Ronon was already on the ground, trying unsuccessfully to get up. Rodney and Carson were standing about a meter in front of Elizabeth, not sure that they could do anything to protect her, but they still had a few bullets left in their guns and they were prepared to use them all.

They fired their guns and they heard a scream, then John was on the ground. Elizabeth rushed to his side and dropped to her knees, while Carson hurried over to see what had happened. As he and Elizabeth tried to assess John's injuries, Rodney helped Teyla and Ronon to get up off the ground.

Despite their attention on what they were doing, they noticed some people coming from the forest, dressed in outfits similar to John's, and babbling about fears and defeating the monster.

"And how exactly do you plan to do this?" Rodney put in, with his usual air of condescension.

"This monster is our creation. The creation of our fears – we must defeat it." The young, black-haired woman seemed confident, but Rodney couldn't believe that these medieval fellows could defeat the thing that had attacked them.

"Yes, yes… But _how_ do you plan to do defeat it? If I may point out, you..." He found himself speechless, staring at the people who had gathered together into a circle.

"Now that's plain stupid. What do you think that's going to solve?"

The monster appeared again and, to Rodney's surprise, it disappeared just as quickly – as the villagers appeared to concentrate on it.

"Well... this is... odd. Hey, Guys! Did you see that?" He turned to see the others' reactions, and found them all gathered around Sheppard's unmoving body.

"What happened?" he asked anxiously. Nobody bothered to answer him. "Hey! What's going on?"

"We need t' get back to Atlantis. As soon as possible!" Carson replied. He seemed to be in a hurry, but Rodney figured it couldn't be anything too important or he would have explained further.

"Well, I'll just disconnect the ZPM and then we'll go back." He knew he sounded hurt, but he was annoyed that the others seemed to be ignoring him.

"There'll be no need for that." The young woman, who'd spoken to Rodney before, approached.

"Well, how do you suggest we get out of here, then?"

"You will be able to leave, but you are not to destroy the energy field. This is to remain a sanctuary for those who wish to ascend."

"Well, I don't know how you-"

"Rodney, we have t' leave. Now!" Carson's voice was harsh, more an order than a request. Rodney didn't appreciate the attitude, but decided he'd follow it up later.

Ronon hefted John up onto his shoulder and they left without looking back.

As soon as they stepped through the Gate on Atlantis, Carson started barking out orders to the Medical Personnel, ignoring everyone else in the gate-room.

"Elizabeth, what's going on?" Rodney inquired.

"I don't know. I'd have thought you'd be able to tell me. We'll have to wait and see what Carson has to say when he's finished."

Three hours later, Carson was sitting in his office, thinking about how he was going to explain this. Explain it to Elizabeth, to the rest of the team… to John – if he ever woke up. He had been in surgery ever since they'd arrived, and the prospects weren't good.

There were three wounds, each severe enough to be deadly on its own. The thing he couldn't get his mind around, was that they were gunshot wounds. The only people who had fired a weapon of any kind were Rodney and himself, and each of them had fired twice within those few moments when John was shot. They had hurt John… _He_ had hurt John. He could be the one responsible for another death. Again.

When he finally went to Elizabeth's office, he was trembling all over. He doubted he'd be able to find the coherence to say anything.

"Carson, you look tired. We'll make this quick and then you'll be able to rest. Please, sit down."

He remained standing at the chair opposite hers.

"I... I'm fine."

"Okay." She replied carefully. "How's John?"

"His condition is stable for the moment. He's unconscious, we can't predict when he'll recover."

"But he's going to be okay, right?"

"Hopefully. We should probably move him t' a more comfortable area of the infirmary. I'll have to-"

"It's okay, Carson. It'll be taken care of. Can you tell me how he got wounded?"

Carson was sure he couldn't handle this. He looked at Elizabeth, then down at the chair in front of him. He decided to sit down after all, hoping he could ease the shaking of his body.

"Were you able to determine how he was injured?" Elizabeth sounded concerned, patient. How long would that last?

"His wounds were... We... I believe we shot him, Elizabeth." His head went down again, he stared at the floor and his shoulders slumped with the weight of his guilt.

"I don't understand. You, who?"

"Me! Rodney and me! Back on th' planet. _We_ shot him."

Elizabeth was speechless. She should have thought of that, but it was still a shock. They had been shooting at something that had no physical form and John had come from behind that something.

"It's not your fault, Carson."

"Elizabeth, I shot him. It is my fault. Who else could possibly be t' blame? He could _die_. He probably-"

"Don't go there, Carson. He'll be okay. Have you told Rodney, yet… Does he know?"

"No. I... How am I supposed t' tell him something like this?"

"I believe it would be best if we kept this between ourselves for the time being. We'll see how John's doing in a few days."

"You should know that the chances o-"

"Carson, this is the end of our discussion." She was upset. She didn't know how to handle this, she was afraid of how it could end.

He left, feeling as guilty as he had when he came in. How could he keep this from Rodney? How could he not?


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, they were all in the Mess Hall. Rodney had a plate full of food in front of him, but didn't seem very eager to eat. He was talking and gesturing and was clearly upset that Ronon and Teyla didn't agree with him about something.

"Hullo. May I?" Carson said as he put his plate down at a free space on the table.

"Of course, Doctor Beckett." Teyla seemed relieved that he had joined them. Though Rodney was often annoying, the members of his team were used to him and Carson was somewhat surprised at her reaction.

Rodney started eating, gazing into his plate and not making a sound.

Ronon asked, "How's Colonel Sheppard?" hoping to get past the awkwardness. Carson, however, was absorbed in his own thoughts and didn't hear the question until Ronon asked it a second time.

"Oh, he's better, lad. Hopefully he'll be out o' the coma within the next three days."

Rodney made a muffled sound and, although he didn't feel up to it, Carson asked, "What was that, lad?"

"Nothing. And my name is Rodney. Or better yet, Doctor Rodney McKay. But if that's too long for you, just call me McKay."

They all stared at Rodney, amazed and waiting for the Canadian to explain his odd behavior. Instead, he got up and left the table, with a vague wave of the hand that suggested he was above them all.

Carson was staring at the plate in front of him. Maybe Rodney's attitude would've been justified if it had come from John. Or Elizabeth. But Rodney?

"Did I miss somethin' important? Somethin' I should know?" he asked, hoping that the discussion he'd interrupted held the key to this little mystery.

"He was his usual self." Ronon seemed disgusted. Carson wasn't really sure if it was because of Rodney's behavior or the food before him, although the latter option seemed quite plausible.

"Then why did y' stop talking when I joined you?"

"Well, you see... Doctor McKay's pretty mad at you."

"Really? Well, that's just lovely, isn't it!"

With that, Carson rose from the table, dumped his tray in the return and headed for the infirmary. He was definitely not the one to be telling Rodney anything. Of all the things Rodney McKay could have felt after that mission, he chose to be upset with _him_. It was the one thing he didn't feel guilty about.

Rodney stormed into Elizabeth's office, looking like he might explode. Elizabeth was afraid that Carson had broken the news about John's injuries in a less than diplomatic way.

"Rodney, what's wrong?"

"I'm not going to put up with that idiot!"

Elizabeth was relieved. He didn't know yet and it wasn't _that_ that she had to fix.

"Who is it this time, Rodney?" She asked with amusement, prepared to hear another story about Kavanagh or Zelenka – or any member of Rodney's team for that matter.

"Beckett, of course."

This _was_ something to be feared, after all. "Rodney, I know that the last mission was difficult for you, but there's no reason to-"

"Listen, I'm sick of him. Going around with that air of his. Yeah, he's an MD, he sees injured people – but that's no excuse. After not saying a word to me yesterday… Today he's wandering around, looking like the sky just fell on him. Well, I'm sick of his whining."

Elizabeth didn't know what to say. If she were to disagree with him, she'd have to explain. If she agreed, then... "I'm sure he has his reasons."

"Well, Doctor, anything you'd like to share?"

He wasn't talking to her. She turned to see Carson paused just inside the doorframe of her office. She had no idea how much he'd overheard, but the flush that spread across her face didn't score her any points.

"Elizabeth, I jus' came t' tell you that John's awake. I've explained the situation t' him and he's okay with it."

And with that, he left, quickly followed by Elizabeth and Rodney, who were eager to visit John.

Carson went to his quarters feeling guilty. John was okay with what had happened. He'd said it himself. He'd said that if they hadn't fired, the thing could have hurt them or Elizabeth. That they did the right thing and that everything was going to turn out okay. But he felt guilty about the way he'd treated Rodney. He always was a bit grumpy and if he would explain the situation to him, maybe he'd understand.

He headed off for Rodney's lab, planning to explain everything, clear the air now that it was all over. He didn't find him there and was told that he had gone to the Chair Room.

Rodney was really happy. He'd actually managed to adapt one of the naquadah reactors so that it could power up the Chair. When Carson came in, he was even more pleased, having been presented with his best test subject.

"Hullo, Rodney."

"Yes, uh… Hi. Come here, Carson. Sit" He gestured toward the Chair and started fumbling with some wires.

"Rodney, I came looking for you, t' apologize for earlier. I need t' explain-"

"Yes, well... Carson, now isn't the best time. See, I managed to adapt the reactor and... Just sit in the Chair, okay, and we'll talk later."

Carson was disappointed. .Though he hadn't expected Rodney to be understanding, he also hadn't expected to be completely ignored. Well, that would be another thing to talk about.

He sat in the chair and tried to relax as the entire platform lit up.

"Now, think about... the drones." Rodney instructed.

"Rodney, this feels-"

"Just shut up and focus, Carson."

For the first few seconds, Carson just tried to get used to the feeling of being in the Chair. It always felt odd. But this time it was worse than ever.

About two minutes after sitting in the Chair, Carson was violently thrown off. He was tossed in the air and landed several meters away from the platform.

"Carson, what the hell did you do it?" Rodney rushed to his side. He was just lying there, motionless. He saw a deep gash on Carson's forehead and a burn on his right hand. He tapped his headset and shouted urgently, "This is McKay! We need a Med Team in the Chair Room. _Now_!"


	3. Chapter 3

Many many thanks to lorellipsis and to drdredd.

Dr. Schwartz was surprised when he saw Carson on the gurney. He had a pretty nasty cut on his forehead, but what worried the doctor more was the burn on his arm.

"Prepare him for surgery." He announced after a brief examination. He turned towards Rodney and asked him, "Were you there when this happened?"

"Yes." Rodney bowed his head.

"What happened? I need to know."

"He was in the Chair, he said something felt different and then he was thrown off."

"That explains the cut on his forehead then. But what about the burns?"

"I tried to power the Chair using a naquadah reactor. Maybe it overloaded..."

"Oh my God!" Schwartz was beginning to understand the nature of Carson's injuries. "Okay, Dr. McKay. You should leave now, we're gonna operate and -"

"I'll leave, don't worry." Rodney left the infirmary, preparing to let the others know about the accident.

He found Weir, Zelenka, Ronon and Teyla all in the Chair Room. Zelenka was trying to explain to Elizabeth that he wasn't responsible for the current havoc that governed the room.

"Rodney! What's the meaning of all this?" Weir asked as she pointed toward the Chair.

Looking at it, Rodney saw the burn marks. "I tried to power it using a naquadah reactor."

"Of course you did!" Radek was furious. "You never listen! I told you to wait for us to finish the simulations!"

"Where's the blood coming from?" Ronon asked, looking at the floor.

"You didn't try it on yourself?" Radek was looking at Rodney, trying to find a possible source for the blood.

"No, not me... Carson."

Elizabeth felt the blood leave her face. "Where is he?"

"He's... he's in surgery."

They exchanged looks amongst themselves, afraid to ask the question they were all thinking.

"How bad is it?" Elizabeth was grateful when Ronon asked the question.

"He banged his head against the floor when he landed and... burnt his right arm."

"Who's performing the surgery?" Weir asked.

"Schwartz."

"He'll report when he's done. I suggest you all to go to your quarters and get some rest."

"I have to -"

"Rodney, you should rest. There's nothing more you can do."

Elizabeth left the room, remembering everything that had happened during the past two days. She hoped that Schwartz would bring her good news.

Rodney went to his room, trying to find something to do. After a few disappointing attempts at studying a little ancient device, he returned to his lab.

Radek wasn't happy to see him, but realized that there was nothing that could keep the scientist away from his work. "What are you doing here, Rodney?"

"I wanted to run some of those simulations..."

"They are here. Let's see..."

After two hours of testing, Rodney exclaimed happily, "See! My calculations were correct!"

"Yes, but you had no way of understanding the way things would work out."

"I did! It was his fault!"

"You mean it wasn't your fault."

"Whatever."

About four hours after the accident, Dr. Schwartz entered Elizabeth Weir's office.

"How is he?" She instinctively raised from her chair, wanting to go to the infirmary to see Carson.

"He's in post-op right now. He should wake up tomorrow. He suffered second-degree burns to his arm. The burns on his fingers were harder to asses, they're like nothing I've seen before."

"Will he recover?"

"Hopefully." Schwartz was afraid that Carson would never fully recover. But that was between him and his patient.

The next day they all went to see how he was doing. He was lying on a slightly elevated bed, surrounded by monitors and with his right hand wrapped in a bandage.

Dr. Schwartz stopped them before they reached his bed: "His condition isn't good. We've given him pain relievers and a mild sedative. He's still recovering from the shock. Don't stay too long."

He remembered how many times he'd heard these words spoken by Carson to one of those in front of him.

They expected to find Carson sleeping.

"Hullo."

"Carson, you're awake!" Elizabeth reached to touch his arm, but realized it was the burnt arm and withdrew her hand.

"Don't worry, I wouldn't feel it, anyway."

"How are you feeling, Doctor Beckett?" Teyla seemed genuinely concerned. Carson felt a twinge of sadness as he realized that Elizabeth and Rodney were probably only there because they felt guilty.

"I'll be fine, don't worry, lass."

At that point, one of the nurses came and checked the readings on the monitors. She scribbled something on Carson's file and left in a hurry.

Rodney was staring at all the wires. He knew he should say something, but he didn't know what. It wasn't his fault. And he didn't know what else to say.

Carson realized why people hated to be in the infirmary. All the visitors were afraid to talk, not wanting to say too much or too little.

At that moment, Schwartz came over to check the monitors and started mumbling. "Nurse, get me a syringe." He demanded.

That was the other reason people hated to be here.

"I need you to leave."

"Is everything okay?" Rodney muttered.

Carson sighed and turned towards Schwartz and the monitors, thinking that must've been an automated question on Rodney's side. If he really cared, things wouldn't have gotten there. 

"Everything's fine." Schwartz said dismissively, his eyes urging them to leave.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Hope you'll enjoy this part, even if it's different from what some of you might expect.

Many thanks to lorellipsis, who's working so hard for the betaing.

Two weeks later, Carson was still in the infirmary, unable to understand why Schwartz was keeping him there. He'd quit arguing with the man two days before, realizing it was an already lost battle.

His hand was still well wrapped in bandages, and he never got a chance to see what was going on for himself. Everybody kept telling him hewas gonna have all the time in the world to see it. He realized it was just him, over-thinking matters, but there was so little for him to do. He couldn't handle papers or the laptop with his right hand useless.

At times he wished Sheppard was in the infirmary. Not with a serious injury, of course, just enough for him to be there and make the infirmary feel less like a deserted place.

But Sheppard wasn't there. His recovery after the gunshot wounds had been quite rapid and he'd been released a few days after Carson woke up. He hadn't seen the man since. He hadn't seen anybody but his staff, and they seemed to have had enough of him.

"Angie!" he tried to keep his voice low, but the room was so big, he could almost hear an echo.

"Yes, Dr. Beckett?"

"Do y' think you could bring me my laptop… please?"

"I can't do that, Sir. I was -"

"Please! There's naught for me t' do and I'm bored beyond belief!"

"Dr. Schwartz ordered it. I'm sorry."

"He _ordered_? Really? And when I ask you t' do something, it goes right by you. Perhaps I should start with th' ordering." He muttered. When he looked at the young nurse, he saw she was confused and embarrassed. It wasn't normal for the CMO to be begging for his laptop.

"Sorry, don't take it t' heart - I'll be fine. But please, tell Schwartz that I need t' speak to him."

He didn't care what Schwartz said. He had to get out of this bed and back into the world. He felt so lost and abandoned. John had been on that planet for six months. He must have felt so abandoned, but his friends hadn't been three rooms away, working and enjoying themselves. This wasn't normal. He hadn't done anything wrong, not enough to deserve something like this, anyway.

"Yes, Dr. Beckett?" Schwartz approached his bed.

Everyone called him by his last name – as if he was a stranger. He realized he was over-reacting, but he couldn't help it.

"I want to be released!"

"Really?" Schwartz smiled. "I'm the doctor and I -"

"You seem t' be forgetting that I'm a doctor as well. It's just a bloody burn! It's absurd to keep me here like this."

"Dr. Beckett… Carson… you don't know what's going on."

"Where? Here?" He gestured toward his right arm "Of course I don't, y' keep hidin' it from me! Like I would'ne be able to understand it."

"I'm sorry for that, but you are our patient and we can't stop in the middle of the treatment to let you take a look."

"Schwartz, I'm fine, but I need t' get out o' this place. I'll rest for a few days and then I'll come back and start working. Light duty. I have to start working again."

Schwartz couldn't stop a sigh.

"It's not that easy. Things are… different now."

"What things?" Carson was getting restless and he was glad the monitors were gone, otherwise some alarm would've started beeping.

"Colonel Sheppard is… upset."

"But he told me that -"

"Not with you. He's not upset with anybody in particular –he's just upset. He's judging everything, twisting every word. He and McKay had some loud arguments that led to nothing but silence and avoidance." Seeing Carson's worried face, he added: "McKay doesn't know about Sheppard's injuries and nobody told him, not even Sheppard."

"This seems to be affecting everyone, no' just me."

"You and McKay had some…"

"We always do –but we always get over it. Rodney can be difficult."

"Your injury was -"

"Listen! I don' blame Rodney for that! It's a technology that we only partly understand. It was an accident. I don' blame him!"

"But he blames you." Schwartz's words were barely whispered.

"What did y' say?"

"He blames you."

"What? How could he blame me?" Carson was speechless for a while. He'd always tried to make things better, to end arguments and calm people. But this was just too much for him to take.

"How dare he?" He was pale and his left hand was closed into a fist. "How dare he blame _me_!Rodney and I are going t' have a very long talk about this! You have t' release me!"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"You… you'd be sent back to Earth."

"What? Why? For one wee accident… It was'ne my fault, Schwartz!"

"That's not the reason. Your arm… the burn was very severe. It's… permanent damage."

Carson froze. He remembered all the times he signed papers for soldiers that were being sent home. Any injury that would impede them was considered "permanent damage". All personnel that had such a medical problem were sent back to Earth.

"Can't you… I mean, maybe if it's given some more time… maybe…"

"We don't know how this happened, Carson. Don't know how to treat it. We did everything we would have done in normal conditions, but this is… different. We need for the Daedalus to leave before we can release you."

"Does anybody else know?"

"No."

"Thank you."


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Want to start by asking you all to be patient. I don't want to hurt Carson 

Betaed by the lovely lorellipsis.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, it's nice to see you like it.

He woke up when a supply box fell to the floor with a loud bang. The Daedalus' crew was bringing in the medical supplies, and they weren't very quiet about it. He could hear Schwartz trying to calm them down.

"There's no hurry! We're not gonna bite your heads off! Hey! Easy with that." The man seemed desperate, and Carson understood perfectly. It seemed that everybody tried to get away from the infirmary, as fast as they could, even if they didn't have a medical problem.

"Okay, okay. Calm down, Doc. You're gonna have a heart attack!"

"Yeah, well… get out of here! I'll manage."

Carson wanted to help, but he realized that Schwartz had to get used to these things. He needed to, for when he was going to take over the infirmary. He was the 2IC and he always took over when Carson wasn't there. Carson hoped to have a say in the appointment of the new CMO, that they wouldn't bring in some doctor from Earth who thought he was the best in the world. Schwartz was the best doctor here.

He'd given this a lot of consideration over the past few days, after he found out… He wanted to believe that he could continue his research, work as any other scientist, but he wasn't just any scientist, he was their Head Surgeon, as well – was. He wouldn't be able to be that, and the expedition needed someone who could be both.

If Schwartz was going to be the new CMO, the retrovirus research would most likely slow down. He knew that the man didn't approve of the project. As CMO, he would have every right to decide what research his men would focus on and Carson knew it wouldn't be the retrovirus.

He considered working in other fields, as well. His knowledge of botany was good and he was pretty good at chemistry, too. But he was a doctor. A medical doctor. It was too late for him to start over and Atlantis wasn't the place for it.

He might be able to get a job at the SGC, he thought. But the Cheyenne Mountain complex felt like a bunker, like a big, gray trap. After living in Atlantis for two years, who could stay there more than a few days?

Home. He would have to go home, to Scotland. The only thing he could do was to teach. He was appreciated by his colleagues and he was pretty sure he could obtain a teaching position, but how could he go in front of students and tell them lies? There were things he knew now that could turn medicine upside down.

His thoughts were interrupted when Schwartz approached his bed."I think it's time for you to go home."

Carson shuddered. He hadn't expected to hear those words – not this soon. He stared at Schwartz, feeling betrayed.

"What's wrong? Don't you want to leave the infirmary?"

He realized then what the man meant. He was allowed to go home, to his quarters – he wasn't being sent back to Earth. Not yet.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Many thanks to Marie for the wonderful beta :)

The ocean was as calm as ever. Looking at it, Carson couldn't believe that, just a few months before, a hurricane had almost flooded the city. It was the first evening he spent released from the infirmary and he was enjoying the fresh air on one of the balconies.

One of the most interesting things about the city was it had a huge number of balconies. Well, not huge, but a lot greater than the current number of inhabitants. That's why, when he heard footsteps approaching, he didn't react in any way. If the visitor wanted to talk to him, then he'd come forward. If not, he didn't want to force anybody into a conversation.

"Doc?" John Sheppard's called.

"Colonel!" Carson was a little surprised.

"Am I disturbing you?"

"No, not at all. I was jus' enjoying the fresh air."

"The infirmary can be a little…" noting Carson's inquisitive look, he decided to drop the subject. He asked instead: "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." John knew those words too well. Every time he wanted people to leave him alone, he said them. Now, looking at Carson, he could see his pale face and the way he was holding his right palm in the left one.

Carson realized John was looking at his hands and explained: "I have to massage it, to help the -"

"It's okay, Doc, no need to explain anything."

"How are ye feeling, son? I still canne -"

"Carson! Stop it, okay? I have nothing against you. Any of you. It's just that I was there, alone with those people. We had nothing in common. They were in their little bubble, it's like they didn't live. They just meditated and expected things to happen. And I can't live like that. Having to stay there for six months, thinking that I might be stuck there forever…"

"Ye know we wouldn't have left ye there. We did everything we could, as fast as we could."

"I know. It just took some time to let it settle in." He looked at Carson and saw the man still felt guilty. He added: "You know what? I'm proud of you!" A big grin was on his face and Carson couldn't understand what he meant.

"Wha'?"

"The way the both of you shot the beast, defending Elizabeth."

"We obviously had some problems."

"Ah, you'll be better next time."

Carson paled, more than John thought was possible.

"I didn't meant that… I mean you're getting better than when you first went to Ho… "

Carson was staring at him. He was grateful that he tried to make him feel better, but John wasn't very good at that. In just a few words, he reminded him of everything he tried to forget. As if he ever could.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to -"

"It's okay, John. No need t' worry."

They were both leaning on the balcony railing, looking at the ocean.

"Did you write your letter?" John asked.

"What letter?"

"The letter home. The Daedalus will leave tomorrow and they're collecting the letters to be sent home."

"I wasn't quite able t' write…"

John mentally slapped himself. He knew that all of Carson's letters were hand written. He said they were more personal that way.

"I wasn't very good at typing with my left hand, anyway."

"I could help. Look!" He took a piece of paper from his pocket and sat down on the couch that was on the balcony. Carson smiled as he saw mathematical formulas on the other side of the paper.

"So… You'll tell me what to write, I'll write on this… draft and then I'll type it. Okay?"

"Suppose." He was surprised that John offered to help write the letter, knowing that he usually kept himself away from personal affairs of the members of the expedition.

"So… what should I write?"

Carson sat, thinking of what he could say. This could be the last letter that was sent from him, to his mum, from the Pegasus Galaxy. He shouldn't worry her. How could he do that when someone else was writing the letter?

"Dear Mum, I am well." Carson stopped, seeing John staring at him.

"What?"

"I am well? That's a bit… succinct. Not to say untrue."

"She would worry! She's got enough on her hands, anyway!"

"Okay, your letter."

"So… I am well. I hope that you are well, too. What's wrong with you?"

Sheppard was scowling at him.

"It's your mother you're writing to!"

"I'm aware of that!"

"Well… be more… I don't know, just… feels like you're writing to someone who's a lot more distant."

"She's my mother, she knows me. So, if we'll go on…"

"Sure!"

"I canne write this letter because I had a wee accident. Everything's fine, jus' that I canne write these days and I can't postpone writing it. My research is going well, and we have been pretty fortunate lately, we didn't have too many injured people." He stopped and looked at John. He didn't seem to be upset with him. After all, if he had been, he wouldn't have offered to do this.

"Yeah, Doc?"

"I'm sorry Uncle Angus is feeling bad. I hope he'll be able to get over it and will give you peace, as well. I know how hypochondriacs like him can be."

John almost chocked.

"Yeah, me too."

"You have no idea. Rodney is nothing compared to him."

"And your mother has to put up with him?"

"Yeah."

"She must be some woman." John peeked at Carson, happy to see that he was looking better and happier.

Carson continued: "Hope I will be able to write more in my next letter." There was no reason to worry her.

After a few minutes of silence, John asked: "Is that it?"

"Sorry?"

"The ending? How do you end your letters?"

Carson said nothing. He knew that if he had to write this letter on his own, he couldn't have. He appreciated John's help, but it only added to the deceit. He was lying to his mother. How could he contemplate signing this letter as he had done all the others before, knowing he refrained from saying the most important thing. Sending a page of drivel when he should confide that which could change their lives.

"Love, your son, Carson."

John rose from the couch and headed for the door: "I'll type this and bring it over to you for a check. Okay?"

"Sure. John?"

"Yeah?"

"How did you know about the letters? You never write home."

"Wanted to write to Ford's grandparents. After all that happened, I felt that I should…"

Carson understood. He couldn't imagine what John could write. He knew they were told he was dead. He had to tell that to many relatives and friends, but he rarely spoke to them afterwards.

"Thanks for coming to tell me."

"What? Oh, that's not why I came."

"Really? Why did you come?"

"To thank you for saving my life."

"I'm sorry?"

"Shooting me was an accident. So was the virus. But saving my life every time, after that and after all the other injuries, wasn't."

"John… I…" He couldn't say anything else, but he was obviously grateful and John was happy to see that his feelings got through to the good doctor.

"I'll come back in less than half an hour."

"Thank you."


	7. Chapter 7

AN: many thanks to Marie for the wonderful beta

Carson was staring at the ocean. He was thinking about Ford. The young man had gone through so much, in such a short time. He wondered if he still had that happy, boyish smile. If there was anything in Aiden's world that could make him smile.

He thought back to the his twenty-fifth year. Working, learning, hoping that one day things would clear enough for him to have a happy, peaceful life… wife, kids. Nothing was left of those dreams. In Atlantis, he'd been too busy with the threat of death to care about dreams. All that he hoped for was that he'd find a way to stay in Atlantis.

"Psst… Doc!" John's voice was barely a whisper.

"Yes?" Carson turned around and looked at the Colonel, who had a big grin on his face. Carson thought of all the things he had been through and admired him for his strength to go on.

"I wrote that letter… umm… adjusted it a bit, here and there."

"You did?" Carson responded, amused. He took the piece of paper and started reading. "There's nothing changed!"

"Really?" John frowned and took the paper back, skimming it. "Well! I wanted to write something…"

"What?" Carson asked, curiosity obvious in his voice.

"Something like… No need to worry about me, my friends are gonna take care of me."

Carson stared at him, not knowing what to make of it.

"Don't worry, I didn't plan to write it, just wanted to make you loosen up a little, you know…"

"Aye, thanks, lad. I'll be okay. Thank you for this."

"No problem! I'll be on my way now."

"Goodbye."

"Carson…" John turned back and added: "Rodney is… difficult these days. Have no idea what's gotten into him, but he is. Be easy on him, okay? And don't take his words to heart. He's just blowing some steam."

Carson bowed his head and looked sideways, "He's upset with me."

"Now, you can't know for sure."

"He was before the accident and he didn't…" Carson stopped mid sentence and turned away. He didn't want to talk to John about this. He didn't want to talk to anybody about this.

"He didn't what?" John asked, pretending not to notice Carson's movements.

"He would've acted differently a few weeks ago. Things have changed."

John understood that Carson didn't want to talk anymore. In his military career, he'd sustained all sorts of injuries, and he knew that they shouldn't be judged. He knew that sometimes those that seemed small hurt the most. Everybody knew how apprehensive Carson was when it came to the chair. Getting injured while sitting in it must have been his worst fear come true. Rodney's attitude only worsened things. He didn't know if anybody told Carson about Rodney blaming him for the accident, but he knew Rodney visited him only once. The whole team felt like Rodney was Carson's closest friend and that he should be the first to visit him. Except that Rodney never did, and they realized they'd waited for him for too long. Carson was out of the infirmary now and probably felt betrayed. Abandoned.

"Carson? We wanted to visit in the infirmary, it's just that we didn't know when or how to -"

"It's okay, lad." Carson didn't turn around, but John knew that there were tears in his eyes. No matter how hard he tried to conceal it, he heard it.

"I'm sorry I -"

"Please." Carson couldn't ask him to leave, but he didn't want to talk about it.

"I… Schwartz asked me to talk to Dr. Heightmeyer about the last mission, but I feel that I can't. I was wondering if –"

"I can't override his advice. You probably should talk to her."

"I was wondering if I could talk to you about it."

Carson didn't know what to say. Why would John want to talk to him? He tried to compose his features and turned around: "What do you want to talk about?"

John sat down on the stairs: "I was… those people did nothing. I was used to action, to responsibilities, and they just sat there and meditated."

"Did you take part in those meditations?"

"Tried to. No good… fell asleep."

Carson chuckled.

"Really… I figure they realized it, but thought I should be left alone."

"Did that monster appear often?"

"A few times. But they did nothing! They just ran away! I was thinking about Rodney… how he'd hold his gun in shaking hands. But he would have fired, he would have fought. Not to mention Ronon and Teyla."

"So you wished you had them by your side?"

"I didn't understand why they weren't there. We worked well as a team. I didn't understand why they would abandon me. It was frustrating to see how… dependant I have become of them, and they were away. I thought they left me there… I didn't want to at first, but after three months, I lost any hope."

"Not any. You came looking for us."

"Well, I didn't lose all hope, but all rational hope. When you came back…"

"We shot you."

They both knew they had to talk about it.

"Yes. It was all pretty fuzzy. I remember you shouting at everybody. Then I remember waking up in the infirmary. I was ashamed."

"Ashamed? Why would you be ashamed?"

"For not trusting you. For thinking you wouldn't come for me."

"There's no need t' worry. It's understandable, really. I dunno what I would've done had I been in that situation."

"Then I saw you in the bed next to me. It was so… wrong seeing you there. I was afraid I wouldn't get to tell you."

John paused, searching for his words and was grateful for Carson's ability to listen without interrupting.

"I wanted to tell you that I trust you. Now, more than ever. You showed me that I was right, that we are a team."

Carson was looking down, thinking about John's words. He wanted to tell him about the accident, but was afraid that John wasn't ready to hear that yet.

"I'm sorry if I upset you, Carson, I didn't mean to -"

"You didn't upset me, John. It's… it's hard to explain."

"There's something I'm missing here. Is this about Rodney?"

"No, " Carson whispered. "My hand… it's not getting better. It never will."

"You mean it's -"

"Yes." Carson cringed, realizing he couldn't hear the words again.

"I'm sorry." John remembered all the discussions about Carson's injury, how people would joke about it, saying that the doctor finally got a taste of his own medicine.

"What are you going to do?" John's voice showed genuine concern.

"Hope."


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Many thanks to all of you who reviewed. It's great to read your comments :)

Betaed by the wonderful Marie who puts up with my odd way of writing. Thank you!

Rodney was searching for something, moving everything that was on the desks in the science labs.

"McKay?" John's voice seemed to fill the little room, and was obviously too loud for Rodney's liking.

"God, Sheppard! You scared the hell out of me!"

"Why? You hiding something?" John started peeking around to see if the scientist was hiding something.

"I was… This is my lab!" Rodney straightened his back, realizing his hiding was only rousing suspicions.

"Yes, it is. Not sure the things on those desks are, but then again, who cares?" John didn't want to upset him too much, but wanted to remind Rodney what a bad liar he was.

"I was looking for a report. The moron forgot to file it."

"Then why were you hiding?"

"I wanted to check something." Rodney admitted.

"As I was saying…"

"I… I think I made a mistake." Rodney bowed his head and hunched his shoulders so visibly, John felt guilty for asking.

"It's okay, Rodney. We all make mistakes."

"Really? I don't think you understand, Colonel. If I make a mistake, something could blow up. People could die. It's like… like you shot one of your men instead of the enemy."

John was studying Rodney's face, trying to see if Rodney knew and this was his way of bringing it up.

"I can't make another mistake, John." He sat down and started playing with a pencil. John always thought that scientists couldn't hold their hands still. If they weren't working with something, they had to play with something, keep their fingers busy, not counting the waving of the arms while talking.

"Rodney, we all -"

"My people don't trust me anymore. They're checking my calculations! Ever since I blew up that damn solar system."

"You never mentioned it before."

"I didn't see it then."

John frowned. He knew Rodney wasn't very good at figuring out people, but he wasn't blind.

"So, when did they start acting this way?"

"Don't know… two weeks ago I suppose."

"Really?"

"Yes, Colonel. Why don't you -"

"Just a thought, but when did Carson get injured?"

Rodney froze. He hoped no one would ever mention that.

"About that time." He said in a low voice.

"So…"

"It wasn't my fault, John."

"Was it Carson's?"

"I… my calculations were correct. The chair is working fine. It has to…"

"Rodney, Zelenka said that Carson couldn't have triggered such an overload."

"I suppose… I don't know."

"Do you realize how you acted after that?"

Rodney looked up at John, puzzled: "What?"

"You went on accusing him of the accident and you didn't go to see him."

"I did!"

"Once, for two minutes. That's not how we used to do things. Everybody thought you were trying to throw responsibility. Carson was your friend."

"He's not anymore?"

"I don't know, Rodney. But you avoiding him isn't -"

"I wasn't avoiding him!"

"He was released from the infirmary two days ago! Did you talk to him? At all?"

"No."

"I hope that you'll talk to him before the briefing."

"Yeah."

They were both staring at the pencil in Rodney's hands. There were things they needed to talk about, but neither of them felt like starting the conversation.

"Is he okay?" Rodney broke the silence.

"He's… he's gonna be."

"That's good. John?"

"Yeah."

"Why did you come here?"

"I wanted to remind you that friends should be friends, regardless of the circumstances."

John always thought that no one should interfere in a relationship, no matter of the nature of it. Carson was probably Rodney's best friend and no matter what Rodney had done, Carson still considered the Canadian his best friend. He just hoped Rodney realized that in time.


	9. Chapter 9

AN: betaed by the wonderful Marie

Rodney was late for the briefing. He was preparing some excuse to present to Elizabeth, hoping that she wouldn't mind him too much.

When he entered, he was surprised to see everybody staring at different parts of the room's furniture, in complete silence.

"Hi! Sorry I'm late!" As nobody looked at him, he went around the table and sat downlooking more attentively at the ones seated at the table. It seemed that they'd all received some bad news.

"So? What's wrong?"

John raised his head and gave him one the most irritated looks ever.

Rodney remembered. Carson He saw the Scot, on the opposite side of the table.

"Carson! It's good to have you back." He tried to make his voice as jolly as possible. The truth was he'd forgotten. He was busy with a new device and had spent the past thirty hours studying it.

"It's good to see you again, Rodney." Carson smiled. At least Rodney hadn't changed.

"Sorry I was late. I was studying a device." He placed his hands on the table and was expecting to be informed of what had been discussed.

Elizabeth tried to regain her composure, but realized that she couldn't get her voice to sound the way she wanted. She muttered: "You're dismissed. We'll discuss the rest of the matters later." She rose from the table and quickly left the conference room, followed by everybody but Carson, John and Rodney.

Carson put his left hand on the table and rested his head on it. John sat down in the chair next to him and put his hand on Carson's shoulder.

"It's gonna be okay," he tried to comfort the doctor.

Rodney was staring at the scene, not knowing what to make of it. He tried to remember if Carson mentioned anybody from home being sick.

"What's wrong?" he asked, hoping somebody would finally explain it to him.

John waited for a few seconds, allowing Carson to explain, if he wanted to. When Carson didn't say anything, he commented: "It would've helped if you would've been here on time. But that doesn't really matter, does it, McKay?" John seemed furious.

"I was busy! How am I supposed to save the city if I can't work?"

"Save the city… You'll be on your own by the time -"

"It's okay, John." Carson interrupted. He then rose from his seat and left the room, not looking at Rodney for one second. He felt betrayed. If Rodney would have stopped for a moment to look around him, he would have seen something was wrong, but the scientist was too absorbed by his work to care for his friends. He shouldn't have expected anything from Rodney and he definitely didn't want to be the cause of Rodney and John's fights.

"That is enough!" Rodney took a few steps to catch up with Carson and grabbed his right arm.

Carson turned around and said in a low, bitter voice: "Why don't ye go about as ye did for the past weeks? It seems it worked well for you."

"Carson! You're my friend."

"Not for long." He knew that after he left, Rodney would find something to occupy his time and he wouldn't mean that much. After all, he started doing it while he was still there.


	10. Chapter 10

Elizabeth left the conference room and headed for one of the balconies. She needed time to get used to the idea that Carson was leaving. As much as she wanted to hope, there was no chance that he could stay, with that injury. She fought the bureaucrats too many times not to know them.

Sometimes, she wished she could just disappear. Let time pass by her and come back when it's clearer, when it's easier to deal with things. When she took the position, she knew there would be though decisions, but she never expected so many and so painful.

"Doctor Weir?" Teyla asked from behind her, concern in her voice.

"Yes, Teyla." Elizabeth turned around and looked at the Athosian. It was obvious that the news affected her, as well.

"I wanted to talk to you about Carson."

Elizabeth realized that of all the people in Atlantis, Teyla understood her position best. They both sat on one of the couches and looked at the ocean for a while. In the months that have passed since their arrival, the ocean had turned from a menace to a friend. It was a strange connection they all had with Earth. Looking at the ocean, they could almost forget where they were, that home was so far away.

"I wanted to ask you what you understood from what Carson said." Teyla explained.

"Well, his injury is more severe than we initially thought and he'll have to go back to Earth." As she said the words, Elizabeth thought of how Carson must have felt, preparing his words and then saying them in front of his friends.

"Apart from that, Doctor."

"Well, he said that… What do you mean?" Elizabeth knew that Teyla saw more than most of them did, she had a different way of dealing with people.

"When the Wraith were about to attack us, Carson said that he wished he wasn't here. Now, when he told us that he has to leave, there was regret in his voice."

"His friends are here, his work is here, I can understand him being sorry to leave."

"Yes, but he didn't realize it before. He didn't have to consider it before. Did you ever think about what would happen if you had to leave?"

Elizabeth realized that Teyla knew all of them better than they knew themselves.

"No, I didn't. But I don't know what to do."

"I also believe that Col. Sheppard knew about this."

"What do you mean?" Elizabeth felt a twinge in her stomach. She remembered the little incident before Carson's injury and her fears that he didn't trust her anymore came back.

"He wasn't surprised. Actually, he was trying to comfort him and show his support. He stayed behind, after we left."

"So you think Carson told John about it."

"I don't think he did it of his own accord." When he saw Elizabeth's puzzled look, she explained: "I mean, he didn't choose to tell him about it. Perhaps the Colonel overheard something, or interpreted some of Carson's words. They spent some time together, since Carson's release from the infirmary and had the chance to talk."

Elizabeth felt she had failed Carson. After he was released, she met him on the hallway once and asked him how he felt. Nothing more. She bowed her head and tried to think of a way to make it up to him, to repair the damage that she undoubtedly caused.

"I think that we can help him." Elizabeth rose her head when she heard Teyla's words.

"How?"

"We can make him realize what he means to us and that we didn't give up on him."

"If only he'll believe us." Elizabeth reached for her comm. and called John: "John? Can I have a word with you, please?"

"Just a minute, I'm in Rodney's lab. Sheppard out."

Elizabeth paled. She forgot about Rodney.

"Teyla, what do you think about Rodney?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Do you think he knew, as well?"

"I hope he did not. Because if he acted that way when knowing the truth, he is not the man I thought he was."


	11. Chapter 11

AN: Many thanks to Marie for putting up with me :)

Rodney was shocked. Colonel Sheppard had spent the past half an hour enumerating all the things he did wrong since they met, every time he hurt somebody with something he said or didn't say.

"I still don't understand why you're doing this." Rodney said.

"Because you seem to be unable to see it yourself." Sheppard was upset. Before the meeting, he'd hoped Rodney had spoken to Carson. Obviously, he didn't, and he knew it might be a little too late to repair anything.

"What I am able to do is my business, Colonel. I'm doing my job well."

"This is not about your damn job!" Sheppard sat down on one of the chairs in Rodney's lab and wondered if this was pointless. He was trying to make Rodney realize what he had done, not tell him what to do.

"Is this about Carson? He's not a child, he doesn't need to be looked after."

Sheppard stared at him for a while, stunned. "I thought he was your friend."

"He is. But there's a limit to everything. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to build my life around anyone. H" Rodney spoke in a calm voice, sounded almost like a confession.

"I don't know what made you think this way, but I guess it's not something that Carson did."

"No, not entirely. I just can't go back and be the way I was. Things have happened." Rodney paused. It was his stupid pride that drove him to blame Carson for the accident. He knew he was the smartest but now he was afraid that one little accident would make his colleagues think less of him. He should have listened to Radek. But the news brought by the Daedalus made that seem minor. "What did he announce at the meeting? I was a little… late."

"I can't tell you that, Rodney."


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Many thanks to Marie for the beta

Elizabeth was in her office, waiting for John. He wasn't usually late and she was usually understanding, but life had stopped being ordinary a few weeks before. First John was shot by Carson and Rodney, then Carson was injured, then he announced he had to leave. What upset her the most was that she felt she couldn't handle it. Not as a leader, she never hoped that she could maintain an image of a fearless leader, as a friend. As Carson's friend. She knew he needed his friends and she knew she couldn't be there for him, because she wasn't strong enough. Just looking at him reminded her of all the pain, the guilt, all the torment he went through after Hoff, after the incident with Ellia. She always hoped that there'd be a day when he'd be rewarded for everything that he did. Instead, he was sent back home with his entire life ruined. She could do nothing about it and knew there was little anyone could do about it.

John stopped in the doorframe and asked:

"Why did you call me?"

"You're a bit too impatient, John. Please sit down." She continued only after he sat down: "I was thinking of what we can do for Carson."

John calmed down a bit and explained: "I was in the infirmary. Schwartz is taking the CMO job a bit too seriously."

"He was appointed by Carson. He has the right to do that." Her voice was calm and she hoped she could calm John, too. She needed him to be able to think rationally, without being angry at Schwartz.

"Does he? Like that? All the doctors here came knowing what school taught them. Carson was the one who helped them move on. Helped, not pushed and threatened like Rodney did with his staff. And now Schwartz comes and bosses everyone around. He even told Carson to go to his quarters and continue his research, because he was taking up space in his infirmary." John was furious. In the infirmary, he'd bit back his comments because he knew they would've hurt Carson more. Now, thinking about it, he wished he had defended his friend.

"You need to calm down, John. You don't know what happened there or what the relationship is between them."

"It's hard to just sit and watch." His voice showed that it wasn't just hard for him, it was painful. He was sorry he never showed his support before the accident. Now, he feared Carson might see it as pity. "What were you thinking of… to help Carson?"

"Maybe he should go off – world."

John was surprised by this suggestion. If it had come from someone else, he would have said it was dumb, but from Elizabeth… There had to be a reason.

Seeing no understanding on his face, she explained: "It will be a good distraction. He wouldn't have to perform as a surgeon there, he could do what anyone else would normally do. The infirmary wouldn't be so close, so tempting."

"Okay, we send him off world. But with whom?"

"I think you should be on the team. And Teyla and Ronon."

"If we go, what excuse do we have for leaving Rodney behind?"

"Take him, too."

"Not sure that would be such a good idea, Elizabeth. Rodney and Carson have some… issues to solve." He wanted them to solve their problems, but an alien planet didn't seem like the perfect place for that.

"Do you think they'll have a chat over a cup of coffee and get over it? I'm trying to get them to talk about it, John, I'm just trying to help them find some… common ground. Something they're equally familiar with. Or in this case, unfamiliar with."

"Do you know what happened until now? Rodney was moody and difficult and Carson was helping him and mothering him. And when Carson needed help, Rodney wasn't there. When Rodney needed help after that, he was upset Carson didn't stop everything to go and help him."

"Is something wrong with Rodney?" Elizabeth asked, concerned.

"Yes. Not sure what, he wouldn't tell me. I think he didn't tell anyone, and that affected him more than the problem itself."

"I think this is a good idea, John. Things can't get worse between them. I know that Teyla and Ronon want to help and I think that they can do more than we think. We have too many…"

"Restrictions." John's voice was so soft, Elizabeth could barely hear him.

"I suppose we can call them that. Should I ask him if he wants to go? Will you find a suitable planet?"

"Yeah. I will." John left Elizabeth's office. He didn't hope for a lot, but he realized how much faith he always had in Carson. Not only in his professional skills, but in him as a person. He knew that he had the power to make it through this.


	13. Chapter 13

AN: Many thanks to Marie and to those who commented :)

This chapter is a bit longer, hope you enjoy it.

John chose a planet they had been to before. The first time, it was peaceful, with natives offering flowers and welcoming the guests. This time, things were a bit different.

A few minutes after stepping through the gate, they heard screams and saw some villagers approaching them.

"We must fight the evil ones!" It sounded more like a chant than like a request and John didn't know what to make of it.

"This is great! Remind me Colonel, why did we come here?" Rodney commented, upsetting Sheppard even more.

"Listen, we don't know what's wrong, but if we just talk about it -" John was interrupted by one of the villagers: "You're not going to help us? Then you are one of them."

Before they knew it, they were attacked. More villagers were coming from the general direction of the gate and they were shooting at them with some sort of primitive guns.

"We can't go back to the gate. Head for the forest!" John ordered, indicating the opposite direction from the gate.

They were running, not knowing what happened or if they would find worst things in the forest. Rodney and Carson were first, the other three staying behind to cover their backs. After a few minutes of running, Rodney and Carson found themselves alone.

"Stop!" Rodney shouted. "Where are they?"

"They were right behind us. I don't know…"

Even if it was midday, the trees didn't let too much light get to the ground. They could hear the shouts of the villagers, it sounded like they were coming from all directions.

"Why is this happening?" Carson softly asked.

"Because Colonel Sheppard wanted us to come here for some brilliant reason. And now we're here, running for our lives." Rodney was upset. He and Sheppard hadn't gotten along particularly well in the past weeks. He knew he'd messed up a couple of times, but it wasn't Sheppard's business. Whatever he did wrong to hurt Carson was between the two of them. Sheppard had no right to interfere and tell him what to do. He didn't have the right to judge him just because at this particular moment he was closer to Carson. When they came back from Hoff, Sheppard didn't speak to the Scot for a week. Only he knew how much Carson was affected by that. But did he tell Sheppard what to do? No. He just let things settle on their own.

"These were supposed to be peaceful people. Why are they doing this? Who are they fighting?" Carson kept muttering to himself, trying to understand. He knew that if they attacked Rodney and him, they wouldn't stand a chance. But he was determined to fight. It was a stupid way to go, hunted down because of a misunderstanding, but this was one of the joys of the Pegasus Galaxy. Stupid things happened.

"Did you hear that?" Rodney asked, alarmed.

"No, what?"

"There was a noise coming from that direction." Rodney pointed towards some trees. Carson took his gun out and pointed it in that direction. The other man turned his back to him and they both stood there, gun in hand, listening for any sign of someone approaching.

It felt like the old times. Carson and Rodney, alone in a forest, trying to defend themselves from something that was stronger than both of them. He knew that they could just get over it. If he would pretend he forgot everything, Rodney would act like nothing had happened. Sheppard would presume they'd talked and solved everything. But it would be a lie. He didn't trust Rodney anymore. He trusted the scientist in him, he even trusted the soldier in him, but the friend he once had in Rodney was gone.

They heard footsteps approaching. It was strange how in all the noise, they could hear them clearly. Carson tightened his grip on the gun. His hand was starting to hurt and he knew he couldn't hold on much longer, but he had to help Rodney.

The sound was louder and louder. He saw a shadow moving close to the trees, trying to go unnoticed. The man slowly approached, moving from tree to tree. Then he saw them. He stopped and raised his gun. Before any word was said, Carson fired.

"Carson…" The man was at the base of the tree, holding his left arm and wincing.

"John. Oh my God." Carson froze. He had shot him. Again. He wasn't fighting any monster this time, just his fear.

Rodney ran to the Colonel's side and helped him get up. "Are you okay? Did he get you?"

"I'm fine, I stumbled on a branch when I flinched. He shot a few meters away from me."

"How glorious. For both of you."

When they turned, they saw Carson sitting there, unmoving, muttering something. His right hand almost let go of the gun. John rushed to his side and tried to calm him "It's okay, Doc, you didn't shoot me. It's okay. Teyla and Ronon will be here in a moment and we'll get to a safe place."

As soon as they appeared, they started moving again. Sheppard remembered there were some caves about five miles from the gate. Considering their progress so far, they only had about two miles to go.

"I'm surprised you remember this, Colonel. I'll be surprised if we get there, considering your orientation skills." Rodney tried to get a reaction from them. From any of them. No matter what happened, they needed to get over it. That was the only way. Move on and never look back.

They arrived at the caves, and found one that was a bit higher than the rest. They chose it and climbed up to its entrance. It was fairly big and they had enough space to sit comfortably.

"They had a legend about this place, they said the souls of their ancestors lived here and they didn't dare come near the caves." Sheppard explained.

"Well, many things happened. How do you know they won't come to punish us for coming here?" Rodney was upset. It was the second time Sheppard left him out of the discussion when he made a decision and it was upsetting.

"We'll organize watches through the night." Sheppard replied dryly, hoping to silence McKay. When the scientist didn't respond, he turned his attention towards Carson. He was sitting in a corner, staring at one of the cave's walls.

He went to his side and put his hand on the physician's shoulder. "Are you okay, Carson?"

"Aye, it's just that… I was so afraid. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hold them back if they came. And when you came… I shot you, John. I shot you again." Carson was scared. He was scared of what he had done, of the things he was forced to do. He knew John didn't blame him, but he still felt guilty. It wasn't normal for him to be in that situation.

"It's okay, Carson. I shouldn't have left the two of you alone." Sheppard was afraid of what might have happened between him and Rodney. On the way to the caves, Rodney had just looked at Carson from time to time and puffed.

"I'll be okay," Carson said, slowly massaging his right hand.

"Is it sore?"

"Aye, a bit."

"Can I bring you anything to put on it, some ointment, something?"

"No." Carson suddenly remembered that John had collapsed after he'd tried to shoot him. "Are you okay?"

"Me? I'm fine." He was surprised that Carson asked him that.

"When I shot at you… you fell."

"Oh, that… I tangled my foot in a branch when I flinched. And I'm sorry to say it, Doc, but you didn't shoot at me. You shot in my general direction. You need to practice more." John smirked, hoping to get his friend to smile. But his eyes followed Carson's down to his right hand and realized why his hand was sore and why he couldn't shoot well.

"There would be no point in me trying to learn this. I couldn't get much better at it and it wouldn't be of much use in Edinburgh."

"You decided, then…"

"Aye. It's better than anywhere else."

"You should give me your address. I could come and visit when we come to Earth." John tried to sound as calm as possible about this. The truth was that it freaked him out. Carson had been there with them from the beginning. He was the one who told him about the Ancients. Seeing him leave Atlantis, knowing he wouldn't come back was something John didn't want to happen.

"You know you wouldn't come. Things wouldn't be the same there." Carson braced his knees with his hands and rested his head on his knees.

"I'll let you rest, then." John said, walking away from him.

Rodney and Teyla were trying to prepare some sort of lunch, but the provisions they'd brought with them weren't satisfactory from Rodney's point of view.

"How very nice of you to join us." Rodney commented, looking at John. "Is our wee drama queen gonna join us?"

John felt his blood pressure rapidly increasing. "What did you say? How dare you?" He wanted to keep it down, he wanted to keep it away from Carson, but he couldn't control himself. It was good enough that he didn't deck Rodney when he heard him say those words.

"Aye, Rodney, I'm here," came the soft reply and John was upset with Carson. Upset that he didn't fight with Rodney. Upset that he didn't tell him how much he was suffering and how much he was hurt by what Rodney had done.

As Carson sat down in front of one bowl, Sheppard whispered to Rodney, in a menacing tone: "Don't you ever say that again. There's so much to everything, much more than you know."

"As you keep telling me, Colonel." Rodney had had enough. There was much more than they knew, but unlike others, he didn't have friends when he needed them. All he had was John Sheppard telling him how much he messed up with Carson. It had to stop. If anyone was going to blame him for something, he deserved to know what it was.

"So, Carson, is there any explanation for the way you behaved on our way to the caves?" He sounded cruel, even to his own ears, but he needed to know.

Carson was eating. Slowly chewing his food, as if he was in the best restaurant, eating the best food, talking about weather. "No."

Teyla, Ronon and John were shocked. They couldn't have accepted such a behavior from

Rodney and didn't understand what it was that made Carson accept it.

"There must be a reason for John cuddling you like that every time you start sulking."

John rose and Teyla and Ronon quickly followed.

Rodney continued "Think I'm blind? Ever since that stupid accident everybody avoids me. Like I'm some sort of menace. You… you did things that I never thought you would. I was stupid enough to expect you to be my friend, to act like a true friend." Rodney was almost crying. He hated himself for being so weak, but he needed to hear some comforting words. He needed to hear Carson tell him that he didn't know, that he didn't realize. That things were going to be okay.

"I think we can safely assume you won't expect such things from me again, Rodney. Which is for the best, since they're not going to happen." Rodney couldn't do anything but stare at Carson. He couldn't believe that the caring, gentle man that he knew Carson to be had just said, in the coldest voice that he ever heard.

"I'm sorry, Rodney, but sometimes gluing up the pieces doesn't make the thing whole again."

"Are you saying you're not my friend anymore?"

"I'm just saying that you failed to notice how we weren't friends anymore. If we were, you would have tried to help me." Carson stopped for a moment. He was grateful for the help he got from his friends, but he couldn't get over the fact that Rodney had avoided him. He wasn't distracted by work, he avoided meeting him, speaking with him. Apparently, the Canadian felt like he deserved the attention that was directed towards him. That wasn't what friends did. The first days after he found out about his hand, he hoped that he could talk to Rodney about finding some sort of Ancient device that would heal him. That didn't happen. "I'm sorry if I was selfish, Rodney, but I really could have used a friend. And the one who was there for me, even if I was sulking, wasn't you, Rodney."

"You burnt your hand, for God's sake! It will heal! So many worst things have happened to you and you didn't act this way!" Rodney was scared. He could feel himself losing all control over what was happening. He could feel the distance between him and Carson and he didn't know what to do.

"Aye, just a burn." Carson bowed his head.

"There isn't a scar. See?" Rodney grabbed his hand and lifted it, but stopped as he saw Carson wince in pain. "Sorry. But there's no scar. I thought that -"

"Rodney, listen to me." Carson said, trying to stop the Canadian, who went on explaining why he thought that his injury was minor. As the other man didn't react to his words, he repeated: "Listen to me, damn it! For once, listen."

Rodney stopped. He remembered that day. How Carson came to him, trying to tell him something. But he didn't listen, he took him to the Chair Room. When Carson told him that it felt strange, he didn't listen, he just went on. The overload was not his fault, but not listening to his friend was.

"As I think you remember, the burn was caused by the chair." Carson started explaining, staring at the floor. "We found that it was a different type of burn, unlike what we encountered before. Bottom line is that I lost a lot of my abilities with it… I can't perform surgery."

Rodney was shocked. He looked at Carson. He wanted to ask so many questions, but was afraid he'd hurt him more. When he saw that Carson didn't continue, he asked: "What does this mean for your job? Are you gonna stop being the CMO?"

"I'm gonna go back to Earth."

"You can't!" There was desperation in Rodney's voice, but he didn't care anymore. Of all the things he ever did, this was the worst. He understood Carson's reaction. He understood why he didn't want to talk to him after that.

"As sorry as I might be, there's nothing to do about it. I'm pretty much useless here."

"But your research… the genetic research."

"Nothing good came out of it."

"I'm so sorry, Carson." His voice, his whole posture showed it, and Carson felt a twinge of shame. He wanted to make him feel bad. He wanted to see Rodney like this. It was mean of him, but he had wanted to see the effect of his words on Rodney. Now, seeing it, he felt sorry. No matter how much he rationalized things, Rodney was his friend. He couldn't have done that without a reason.

"What happened, Rodney, why did you act that way?" he softly asked.


	14. Chapter 14

"I…" Rodney looked at Carson, trying to see if he was really interested. After all he'd done, he couldn't imagine why he'd ask, otherwise. "When we came back from that planet, when Sheppard was shot, I was frustrated. No one talked to me. I just wanted to know. Then you came to my lab and I was anxious to try the new system and dragged you to the Chair Room and the rest is… well, you know." Rodney bowed his head, expecting accusations from Carson.

"And after that?"

"After… At first, I was afraid it was my fault. Then I did some research and realized the overload wasn't something I caused."

"I tried to tell you."

"I know, I should have listened, but I didn't."

"Why didn't you come and tell me?"

"I… was afraid I'd mess things up." Rodney admitted.

"How?"

"You know how I am…"

"Rodney, I would have expected for you to know how I feel about your social skills."

"My what?"

"Exactly. What happened

"My mother wrote me a letter."

"I thought you didn't keep in touch." Carson said, a bit puzzled by Rodney's statement. He didn't know what that had to do with him.

"We don't. Didn't." He stopped for a few moments, gathering his words. It was a simple thing, his mother explained it so well… like she always did. "She was sick. Terminal. She didn't know that much about me, just where to send letters. She sent me one letter. She died two days after writing it." He was sobbing, ashamed of his tears, trying to wipe them away. Carson grabbed his hands and held them in his. "It's okay, Rodney, it's normal to feel this way. Many times, we don't realize what we have until it's too late."

Rodney looked at him and said with regret "You don't understand Carson, she didn't say she loved me, she said that I was a loser, that no matter how smart I was, I always fucked up and I always will. That that's how I'm made and nothing will change it. She was sorry I… she just wanted Jeannie, not some dumb boy who…" Rodney couldn't speak anymore. He was shaking and Carson put his arm around his shoulders, bringing him closer to him. His mother was one of the most caring souls in the world and he couldn't begin to imagine how it must have felt to read such words from your mother.

"She was right, Carson. I fucked up."

"Don't ever say that again, Rodney."

"Your career and -"

"Don't Rodney, please." Carson felt ashamed. All his feelings, all the blame he had placed on Rodney's shoulders. What was done was done. Rodney reacted the way he always did. But part of what made Carson his friend was his ability to understand him. That's where he had failed.

"Rodney, it's okay. You know we don't feel that way."

"Nobody trusts me anymore."

"We're just a little slow at showing it, Rodney. If we didn't trust you, we wouldn't be here with you."

Rodney tried to believe what Carson was telling him. The same man that a few minutes before was questioning their friendship was offering support. Wiping away the tears from his eyes, he apologized "Sorry, I didn't mean to get all emotional on you, it's just that -"

"It's okay, Rodney. We all have our demons. All that matters is that we fight them. And win."

Rodney looked at Carson. "Do you really want to leave?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"I think you do. Even if we don't find a way to cure this, which I think we will, you belong here."

"I couldn't practice surgery -"

"Carson, you're not just the hand holding the knife."


	15. Chapter 15

AN: Sorry about the delay. The story is finished now, waiting for my wonderful beta to go through the last chapters.

* * *

They were both sitting there, by the fire, without talking, without doing anything. John realised that things were either good and the two had solved their problems, or very bad and they had reached that stage where they ignored each other completely. He slowly walked towards them, hoping his first assumption was the right one.

As he stopped a meter behind the two, John was surprised to hear Rodney whispering. He must have been talking to Carson, but his voice was so low, he could barely hear anything. As neither of them realised he was there, he stood unnoticed, trying to make out Rodney's words.

"... and she just sent me away. Without any explanation, without anything." It was obvious from Rodney's voice that he was trying very hard not to cry, trying to finish his story.

"What did Jeannie do?" Carson asked, just as quietly as Rodney had spoken.

"Nothing. She thought I deserved it, I suppose. We weren't that close... I couldn't understand her and she couldn't understand me. In time, we became almost... enemies. After I left, we didn't speak to each other, we didn't contact each other and... I tried calling her, Carson. When we left Earth, I phoned her. I phoned her when we went back with the Daedalus."

"She didn't call back?"

"No." Rodney bowed his head and slouched. "She didn't even send me a letter to tell me about Mom and what -" Rodney couldn't hold back his tears any more. He started sobbing, trying in vain to compose himself.

"It's okay, Rodney. You're allowed to cry." Carson tried to hold him, but with a pained expression, Rodney stopped him "I'm sorry Carson, but I can't... not after what I did... You should hate me, damn it!" With a sudden move, Rodney rose from his place, heading for the back of the cave. He froze when he saw John in front of him.

"What are you doing here? Why can't you leave me alone?" Rodney's loud questions surprised John. Rodney pushed him aside and moved to the back of the cave, where he sat down, facing the wall.

"Why did you do that, John?" Carson asked in a bitter voice, trying to keep his calm. "It was all well before you came."

"That's why he was storming away? Listen, Carson, you can't blame me for something that Rodney did. And you shouldn't forget who on who's side is. Now that he has a sad story you forget everything that he did?"

Carson stared at him, unable to find his words.

"If this is about sad childhoods, well, I have a story to tell you, Carson. Will you be okay with me then and upset with McKay?"

"It's not about that, John. I was blaming you for eavesdropping, for not respecting Rodney's -"

"Sorry that through all the nice things McKay did recently I did this huge mistake."

"John -"

"If you ever wonder why I did it, know that as much as I valued you as a friend, I wanted to know if there's any chance Rodney will ever be a friend again."

"John -"

"Sorry for wanting to know. And sorry for troubling you. I won't do it again."


	16. Chapter 16

The rest of the day was spent quietly in the cave. Ronon never thought that he'd wish to hear McKay and Sheppard bicker, but the silence that followed Sheppard's outburst was worse than any conversation they had. Teyla looked like she was making a plan, but he couldn't imagine what would get them to open up.

"Teyla, what do you think we can do to end this?"

"Make them see what they are doing wrong. What has been wrong for the past month."

She walked to John's sleeping bag and sat down on the cave floor.

"How are you, Colonel?" She softly asked.

"Just peachy! After all that..." He said, waving his hand in the general direction of Rodney.

"Ronon and I believe that it will be safe to return to the Gate after dark. Do you want us to stay here one more day?"

"No." His tone was cold and even.

"Very well. May I ask you something?" Sheppard nodded and she continued. "Why have we come here?"

"To explore the planet and see how the... To make Carson feel better."

"Do you think we have achieved that?" She paused for a few minutes, giving him time to think about it. "I believe he feels worse now. Because he knows the truth. He's the only one of us who knows all the truths."

"I didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted to -"

"Doctor McKay said the same thing a few weeks ago. That did not help any of you," she interrupted him. "Before you can judge, you must understand. I trust Carson's judgement and maybe you should, as well."

John saw Carson by the backpacks, trying to do something, but not really achieving anything. He was wondering if he should try to help him, when Rodney asked: "Carson, need help?"

The doctor's face reddened in embarrassment "No, I was just trying to unpack some of the food packs, but their system is just awkward."

"Is it that late? I should probably start making the fire." Rodney got up and went to the centre of the cave, arranging the twigs they had collected earlier.

John moved closer to Rodney, "I'm sorry, okay?" John said the words before actually thinking about their effect, and as soon as Rodney replied, he regretted his action. "Are you sorry for what you did, or for the results of it?"

"Well, I don't exactly enjoy seeing you like this, Rodney, and I didn't mean to cause this, but -"

"Then why did you?" Rodney's angry voice echoed in the cave.

"Why? Because I wanted to know. Because I had to know why you were being such an ass."

"Me? Well, Mister Popularity, maybe you should look at -"

"Just stop it!" For the first time since they met, Carson shouted at them. What was a way of releasing the anger for John and Rodney was obviously very distressing for Carson. "We came here because you wanted to help me, right?" When it was obvious that no one was going to answer, he continued. "If you pity me so much, please wait until we get back to Atlantis."

"Carson, this isn't about pity." Rodney said, trying to contain his anger.

"Yes, it is." Carson resumed his unpacking of the food and hoped they would leave him in peace, so he could plan his return to Earth.


	17. Chapter 17

Elizabeth was worried. The team that returned through the gate was not only looking worse than it had on its departure, it didn't look like a team at all. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to remember how the whole mess started. How Carson tried to protect Rodney by not telling him he shot John. When she opened her eyes, they were all in front of her. Her CMO said in a bitter voice: "Thank you for your act of compassion, Dr. Weir, but it was a failure. Sorry." With that, he left, leaving the others to face Weir.

"What's the meaning of this, Colonel?" she asked, trying to contain her anger. This mission went worse than she imagined it could. If Carson was angry with them, angry enough to act that way, then very bad things happened.

"Things didn't go so well."

"I figured that much. What I want to know is what happened."

"It's really simple." They all turned, surprised to hear Ronon interfere. "McKay and Sheppard have some problems. They couldn't solve them on their own, so they used Carson as a shield. And they made him angry."

Sheppard's eyes would have burned a hole in the Satedan if he could. Instead, he left, closely followed by Dex. The only ones who were left in front of the gate were Elizabeth, Teyla and Rodney.

In a bitter voice, Elizabeth asked "Aren't you going to storm off, Rodney?"

Rodney's response was a whisper. "We fucked up. We really fucked up this time."

Elizabeth wanted to ask some more questions, but was stopped by Teyla who delicately suggested with a nod that she should let him be. The Athosian was the only one who made any sense of the whole mess, maybe she knew what was best. "I expect a report as soon as possible. Head to the infirmary for the check-ups."

* * *

Ronon caught up with John in a deserted corridor.

"You can't just run away like that!"

At first, Sheppard was shocked by his interference, but now he was downright furious. "You have no right to tell me how I should behave and what I should do. You don't know what I want."

"I know that a week ago you were blaming McKay. For not listening, for running away from the truth, for judging without knowing all the facts. Think of what you have done. I'm sure you and Rodney will get over it one way or another, but how you do it depends on you right now. McKay wasn't upset or furious... he was hurt. But there's no point in me explaining this to you."

As Ronon walked away, John realised just how bad things were. If Ronon of all people understood McKay things better than him. If he felt he needed to tell him about it...

* * *

Entering the infirmary, Teyla was surprised to find four boys on four chairs, all guilt-stricken. Too bad they weren't looking at each other, maybe that way they would understand some things. 

Dr. Schwartz came and asked for a little mission report after hearing the usual "I'm fine" from all five.

As Rodney was explaining the incidents in the forest, John cut in: "Well, nothing interesting happened there, so we reached the caves where -"

"Will you let me finish, Colonel?" Rodney asked, annoyed by the interruption. "On the contrary, Dr. Schwartz, something _interesting_ did happen." Looking at Carson, he searched for the right words. "Thinking that one of the attackers was there, Carson shot at John."

"Again?" Dr. Schwartz asked, realising his mistake too late.


	18. Chapter 18

Many thaks for your reviews.

Rodney looked at the Schwartz, studying him. "Again? Did I miss something, Doctor?" He then turned to look at Carson. "Did I, Doctor?"

Carson sighed, a mix of annoyance and resignation. "Yes, you did. Because I chose not to tell you."

"One of my friends shoots another one of my friends and I don't get to find out. This whole honesty thing's working great, Carson. Anything else I should know?"

"I didn't tell you because I thought it would be better for you not to know," Carson said.

"Well, now that I know, why don't you explain it a bit better?" Rodney's voice was harsh and Carson felt everything they had achieved in the cave melt away. If he was ever to tell Rodney, now was the best time. Now was the only time. Either way, there was no going back.

"When we went into the force field and shot at that... beast, some of the bullets went through. John was shot," Carson said.

The Colonel nodded slowly, without looking at any of them.

"You shot him!" Rodney said, looking at Carson, surprised. "And you didn't say a word." It was obvious that Rodney didn't realise he had injured John, too, but his reaction was just as hurtful. It was as if he didn't trust Carson anymore, as if he saw him as a liability. "It's interesting that you decided to tell me this after we went off-world together. Did you consider that maybe you were a danger to the rest of us?" There wasn't any sign of the urgency that accompanied Rodney's voice when he was stressed or panicked. This was Rodney's rational opinion, and Carson couldn't find the words to answer.

"I knew and I decided he was okay," John intervened, trying to stop the downfall.

"Oh, yes, I remember, you took us to a planet and wanted us to kiss and make up. Thank you very much, Colonel, it's been very enlightening." With that, Rodney stormed out of the infirmary, medical check be damned.

"That went well," Sheppard commented when the sound of Rodney's footsteps faded completely.

Carson stood up from his chair and headed for his office, muttering.

"Carson, wait!" John called after him. "I'll... go talk to him. Sort things out. I didn't mean to eavesdrop back on the planet; I just wanted to see if you guys were talking to each other. He'll just get over -"

"You don't understand, John. I messed this up from the beginning. I am a liability and I am useless. I just wish I could have left you guys... in a better relationship."

"So what? You give up now?"

"What good did all that fighting do?" Carson entered his office, closing the door behind him.

John sighed, hoping everything would just reverse to the time on that planet. Maybe if he hadn't mocked Rodney, things would have been better. MALP on a stick. That's what fucked up two friendships. Three, actually.

"You could still talk to McKay," Ronon said. John had forgotten that the Satedan was there. "In fact, I think that you should."

* * *

The door to Rodney's quarters opened slowly to reveal the Canadian lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

"May I come in?"

"Is there anything you wish to say to me? Or you just want to convince me none of this really happened and we should just go back to... whatever it was before this mess started?"

"I wanna talk to you, Rodney."

"Fine." Rodney moved to a seating position and invited the Colonel to sit on chair. After a few moments of silence, John asked, "Did you tell Carson about the Chair accident?"

"Yes."

"Did he blame you?"

Rodney looked at him like he had just asked the craziest question ever. "No, he just... I don't know. There was something that made me feel like he did... but not quite blame. I really don't know what to think."

"If the roles would have been reversed, what would you have done?"

"It was an accident. Accidents happen all the time," Rodney said.

"Yes. And Carson knows that."

"Yes."

"But you ignored him afterwards. You said it was his fault."

Rodney bowed his head at John's words. "That upset him," he replied.

"Worse than that, Rodney, it hurt him. I was being... overprotective, I guess," John said.

Rodney slowly nodded. "That's why you came to listen to us. To make sure I wasn't making things worse."

"Kinda. I felt... he's more forgiving than I am. I couldn't believe he was letting go of it so fast, and I overreacted."

"You think he shouldn't have forgiven me?" Rodney asked, quietly.

"I know that I, as Carson's friend, haven't forgiven you yet."

"And as my friend?"

"I'm sorry about your mother. And I'm sorry you went through that alone. I know how hard it can be."

* * *

A soft knock on the door made Carson look up from the monitor. He had spent the day in his office, hoping he could find something useful to do. He had been quite busy, but he couldn't shake the feeling he wasn't as useful as he used to be. As he should be.

"John said I should shut up and listen. That you have some things to tell me." He also suggested apologizing, but it felt wrong somehow. They were still friends and they could fix things deeper than that.

"I do, but you're not going to like it." After Rodney sat down, Carson explained softly, "The evidence we had when we came back from that ascension-planet said that both of us shot John. I wanted to tell you, but -"

Rodney raised a hand to stop him. "I shot John and you didn't even tell me?" He shot up from his chair and darted for the door. "How could you?" He was in the doorframe when he remembered the way John had asked him to be calm and listen to Carson. Until the end. He slowly turned around, and looked at Carson for the first time in a long time. His friend was pale, slouched and crushed. Rodney returned to his chair and sat down. "Sorry. I got carried away. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I knew how guilty I felt and didn't want for you to feel the same way. I tried to, several times, but I could bring myself to do it. I talked to John about this and... I thought it was something you could live without knowing."

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"You know... " With that, Rodney left, waving goodbye.


	19. Chapter 19

Many thanks to my wonderful beta Marie who helped me a lot with this. I also want to thank drdredd for lending Schwartz.

I also want to thank all who reviewed and waited patiently for the new chapters :)

* * *

"I spoke to Carson."

"I know."

"It felt good."

"You confused him." John turned to look at Rodney and saw the physicist frown. "He asked me what I told you, because you had a 'strange reaction'."

"I... damn it!" Rodney was about to leave his half-emptied tray, but John stopped him, "It's okay. He was worried I was too... rough with you."

Rodney snickered and sat back down. "Did it work?"

"Work?" John asked, clearly not understanding what Rodney meant.

"Yeah. You know, him forgiving me and all that," the Canadian explained, nervously playing with his fork.

"I'd say so."

"Then why is he avoiding me? After we spoke, he's been..."

"I have a theory." John leaned back on his chair, with a small smile on his face, unable to hide the smugness.

"Congratulations!" Rodney said with mocking admiration. "Care to share?"

"I'll take care of it." Sheppard rose and took his empty tray, adding, "I'll let you know how it goes."

"Wait a minute! There are things _we_ should talk about. Sheppard!"

"We'll have plenty of time for that, Rodney."

* * *

Carson was pacing his office like a caged animal. It was quite surprising that he didn't bump into anything. The desk was a mess, with everything you could imagine on it, and then some more. John could feel the distinct smell of steak and it was coming from the small desk.

"Everything okay, Carson?" he asked after watching the doctor for a few moments.

"John! You startled me." The Scot's eyes fell on the mess that covered his desk and he smiled apologetically. "Sorry about the setting. Anything I can do to help you?"

"Came to see how you were doing. You know... If Mahomet won't come to the mountain..."

"And why was I supposed to see you, John? We spoke just hours ago."

"I was thinking about Rodney, but now that I'm here, and you're clearly troubled by something..."

Carson smiled, looking at his friend. "Just because you're here." His face turned serious again as he sat on his chair. "I've been thinking about leaving. And I realised I'm more selfish than I would have liked to think."

John smiled, "That's the best news you could have given me."

Carson was massaging his left hand with his right. In the past weeks, it became an automatic response to stress. Just like Rodney played with his pen, Carson massaged his hands. It was unnerving to see how tough he was with his still fragile skin. For the first time since he noticed this, John stopped Carson. He took Carson's hands in his, feeling the soft skin and the small scars. "Don't do this to yourself. It's normal to be a bit selfish, Carson, especially when we all benefit from it." John smiled, hoping he didn't misinterpret Carson's words.

"I thought I'd give it a try. There's so much work to be done, maybe I could just... you know... do some of it, without standing in the others' way."

"Thanks." John smiled, letting go of Carson's hands, and left the doctor's office.

* * *

"Why am I here? I told you I'm not leaving," Carson said, almost pleadingly, after Colonel Caldwell summoned him to the Daedalus' bay.

"I know, Doctor, but there's someone who's leaving and -"

"Carson! I thought you weren't leaving!" Rodney's eyes were measuring him from head to toe. "You said you weren't leaving."

Caron sighed in frustration, looking at the two men alternately. "I'm not. But the Colonel has called me here."

"Oh, you're here to say goodbye," Rodney said, smiling.

"Apparently." Carson frowned, trying to ignore Rodney's raised eyebrow. "I'm not stealing your lines."

"Of course not. You should go and check in on my staff, though."

"When? Why?" Carson asked, surprised by the request.

"You don't know? Oh, I was so caught up with everything that I -"

"We're going to Earth," Sheppard explained, with a grin. Carson looked at John, still surprised by the man's ability to sneak up on them. "Rodney and I had a little chat and we realised we need more time to talk. And Rodney needs to take care of some things back home, so..."

Carson smiled, finally understanding. "Take care of Jeannie, Rodney."

"I will." The scientist smiled, grateful that Carson understood. "Thanks."

"Will you stop that!" Carson said, trying his best to look upset, but not getting it quite right. "This is not how I imagined this leave of the Daedalus."

"Did you ever think we'd let you go?" John smiled, moving closer to Rodney. The smile on Rodney's lips matched John's and Carson wished they didn't leave. But they had their own demons they had to face.


End file.
